I feel like anyone who is part of a marginalized identity of some kind and creates things often has to wrestle with where, and how, that part of them comes into their writing. Identity in general is definitely a part of the calculus, and we draw on our various past experiences, but I think there’s an interesting wrinkle with sexual identity gets woven into the tapestry.
I started to reckon with my identity as a gay man when I was a teenager, though I was definitely a late bloomer in that regard. It’s been a complicated and fraught relationship; I grew up in a time where being gay was not as “normal” as it currently is, and being gay in that time meant you had to hew to a particular batch of characteristics and archetypes. Think Queer Eye for the Straight Guy in its original run, along with the likes of Will & Grace; pioneering though the shows were, they also leaned in pretty hard into those archetypes of what it meant to be gay.
That created a pretty strange and tricky situation to be in growing up, because I was hearing “this is how to be gay” (and it being made fun of), and I wasn’t that. I liked video games, baseball, and death metal, and I was very subdued and laid-back. The images of who I should have been were different from who I was, and I didn’t want to be that.
That then translated to writing, creating, and everything else. There was a want to not just be a “gay writer”, a fear that the label would pigeonhole me and confine me to some kind of cage. The identity could easily be an albatross, and I wanted to be judged on my merits more than on my identity.
I do still worry about it…but I really don’t worry actively about it. Who I am is part of what I write, and I embrace that wholly.
Shards of Myself
From pretty early on with my first novels, I gravitated towards featuring gay characters in my work front and center. Not exclusively, as I’ve written stories and novels without that as an element, but I definitely want to keep that as an element.
I think there’s plenty of room for “gay fiction”, with that theming as the core undercurrent, and I’ve always wanted to bring a bit of that into my writing. At the same time, though…my aspirations were higher than being consigned to that section of the proverbial bookstore. Yes, I realize that writing genre fiction isn’t too different that way (with my fantasy proclivities), but I’d always wanted to be more a “fantasy writer” than a “gay writer”.
Admittedly, I think I’ve gotten to a place where I’m perfectly fine if I wind up being there. If I get a story out there and I find an audience for it, I’ll be pleased as punch regardless of who it is (to a point). However people consume and interpret those stories is out of my hands once they get out there, and I think I’ve figured out how to be at peace with that.
The Price of Glory
Do I want to be famous from all of this? I think that’s definitely a tricky question to answer, and it’s also something I’ve wanted to thread the needle on. In the age we’re in…I’m starting to wonder if I want any real fame.
I do want my stories to be known (and enjoyed), but I myself would be fine if I was more of a figure behind the scenes. That’s a hard balance to strike, but I’m not someone who’s comfortable with being perceived. “Let the work speak for itself” was a mantra I’ve wanted to stick to, even if it means my marketing is pretty dismal (to be charitable).
Did I want fame earlier? Back when fame was a bit different than what it looks like now, I did. But the current era of fame scares me a bit, and I’m trying to figure out if I can make my works known while still being relatively low-key. That’s definitely not an easy thing to accomplish. But hey, have to try and figure it out that way, right?
I think the question always is how high I want my profile to be, and what I’d like to be known for. I want to write, I want to share stories with people, and I like posting cats on the internet.
If I can get away with that, that’d be lovely. But if people know me as a “gay writer”, that’s honestly pretty awesome all the same. Better to be known for that than other things
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